Ready. Set. Conan.

Makin my dreams come true.

Cucumber-Rosemary Gin and Tonic

1 cucumber

1 lime

3 sprigs rosemary

2 oz. Hendrick’s Gin

4 oz. tonic water (preferably Q or Fever-Tree)

ice

Peel one half of a cucumber, and slice a lime into eight wedges. In a highball glass, add three slices of peeled cucumber, 1 sprig rosemary, juice from a lime wedge and 1 ounce gin. Muddle with the back of a spoon.

Strain through a mesh strainer into a second highball glass. Add several cubes of ice, and three slices of unpeeled cucumber. Top with remaining gin and tonic, and serve garnished with rosemary sprigs.

Seriously? What is wrong with people.

Ok. So  I know I'm vegan and I work at The Fat Factory- but I have to. There's only 1 f*cking Vegan cafe in Sacramento and they're fully staffed. (And obviously I'm only qualified to work in restaurants because I'm too f*cking lazy to get a 'real' job). ANYWAY. I've decided the only way to vent my rage and not take it out on my co-workers is by blogging about it. Although I usually give up on most blogs I start- I can honestly say I'm most 'enthusiastic' about this one. So here goes....

1. If you come to The Fat Factory, but you're "watching your weight..." DO NOT ASK ME TO REFILL YOUR DIET COKE SIX TIMES (pretty sure the defeats the purpose of a diet). Also, don't order a 'weight management' salad then proceed to ask for 3 sides of ranch dressing. GROSS.

2. I LOVE large parties. If you can get at least one person to order an alcoholic beverage the entire table will fall under 'peer pressure' and you've got instant happiness all around. BUT if you happen to be a large party that's all about pinching pennies- we're gonna have some problems. This is the Fat Factory- you come here to eat, get fat, and then eat some more. DO NOT ORDER 1 APPETIZER AND 1 PIECE OF CHEESECAKE FOR A PARTY OF 10 AND EXPECT A SERVER TO LIKE YOU. Just don't do it. It's wrong and it's retarded. Sure, we offer complementary bread- but 12 baskets later? Really? It's bread. It's not magical, IT'S NOT CHOCOLATE, and you're basically costing me money at this point.

3. See those bussers over there? The ones that are super cute, super fast, and super mexican? Yeah, I have to TIP them. Which means you have to TIP ME SO THAT I CAN TIP THEM. Get it? No, I don't think you do. Let me just break it down for those of you that are slow. At the Fat Factory (and most restaurants) servers must tip out other parts of the support staff such as Bussers, Food Runners, Bartenders etc... What you leave for us gets divided and disbursed based on percentages.

Let's make it easy- Your bill is $100. You tip the server a MIGHTY $10. (10% for those of you that are.. yeah) Well, of that $100 your server is required to give a "3%" tip to the support staff. So, if you leave us a GIGANTIC 10% tip, we only receive 7% of it. That's $7 for those of you that don't speak math.

Now, let's say you're a normal person who goes out to eat on a somewhat regular basis and you've somehow been educated on proper tipping procedures.

Your bill is $100. You tip the server the proper 20% for excellent service (which like, I totally always give, duhhhh). The server will then tip out 3%/$3 and get to keep the $17. $17 is a totally awesome tip and the server WILL NOT curse your name as you leave the restaurant. I repeat- the server WILL NOT curse your name.

Honestly people, is it that hard? Service staff have to work long hard hours all day every day. Usually they're just putting themselves through college or trying to get by during their divorce. Yes, some wait staff are totally rude and waaaayyy to old to be doing this job- but just give em' a proper tip. Add a couple zero's, commas, colons, whatever. They come into work (because of you) every day just aiming to please- and what do you do? You stiff them, short them, and wave your arms in the air like a damn two year old who needs a refill.


One more thing-  print this out and carry it around with you like it's a free pass to Disney Land.

My favorite poem as a child.

The Dirtiest Man In The World

Oh, I'm Dirty Dan, the world's dirtiest man, I never have taken a shower. I can't see my shirt--it's so covered with dirt, And my ears have enough to grow flowers. But the water is either a little too hot, Or else it's a little too cold. I'm musty and dusty and patchy and scratchy And mangy and covered with mold. But the water is always a little too hot, Or else it's a little too cold. I live in a pen with five hogs and a hen And three squizzly lizards who creep in My bed, and they itch as I squirm, and I twitch In the cruddy old sheets that I sleep in. In you looked down my throat with a flashlight, you'd note That my insides are coated with rust. I creak when I walk and I squeak when I talk, And each time I sneeze I blow dust. The thought of a towel and soap makes me howl, And when people have something to tell me They don't come and tell it--they stand back and yell it. I think they're afraid they might smell me. The bedbugs that leap on me sing me to sleep, And the garbage flies buzz me awake. They're the best friends I've found and I fear they might drown So I never go too near a lake. Each evening at nine I sit down to dine With the termites who live in my chair, And I joke with the bats and have intimate chats With the cooties who crawl in my hair. I'd brighten my life if I just found a wife, But I fear that will never be Until I can find a girl, gentle and kind, With a beautiful face and a sensitive mind, Who sparkles and twinkles and glistens and shines-- And who's almost as dirty as me.
-Shel Silverstein

Staycation

Dear Diary,

California is superb. Sunshine plentiful. Freaks, many. My neighbors cause me no concern at all. One man walks the sidewalks all day with a green parrot atop his shoulder. Another girl named Jessica squeals with excitement as she discovers three new pairs of 'fairy' wings have arrived in the mail (for her go-go dancing job, obv). Every day at 5 p.m the residents of Terrace Gardens Apartments, at 2125 Fair Oaks Blvd. - gather around a dusty table near the pool and talk about alternative sugars and their prices. I swim a little longer until the conversations get boring.

California feels like a constant vacation. It's sunny everyday and cools off at night. Everything I need is five minutes away. Everyone delivers. The groceries are cheap. Whole foods is AMAZING here. The parks are clean. The movies are cheap. San Fran and Lake Tahoe are just a couple hours away. I just love it.

I miss my friends in Boston- Pussy Unit. : ( And I do miss parts of the city.... But I really do love California so far... Anyway- more posts to come.

Bye Bye Boston

Boston is my home. This is bullshit. I can't explain how it feels- I can't explain how in love I am with this place and how bad my heart is breaking right now. I don't know if I'll ever feel this way about another place in my life. I hope I do. I'm terrified of the thought that I'll never be happy in another city again. It feels like we're breaking up- but for some reason I'm the one doing it. Why can't I have this one thing? This one place that fills my head with wonderful sights and inspiration for life- all in one little city. God damn it. I love you Boston. I love you friends. I'm sorry I'm leaving. I need to get back to my family, my life and my love- but hopefully we all come back some day. I will miss you forever. 

Title

Do you ever have 2.3 billion ideas racing through your head all day, all at once, and all the fucking time? I don't know if this is common, or even a problem- but I'm so exhausted by it.

I invent products or services in my head, draw them out on paper, figure out every little cost associated with them, and by the time I'm ready to invest- another idea pops into my head and shoves out the previous. I'll admit not all of my ideas are great- but some of them are completely realistic and could potentially earn me some extra cash in the long run.

Is there somewhere, or someone you can sell ideas to? Seriously, I need to unload some serious imaginary pay-dirt.

I can't believe it's a Vegan Shoe! I want all of them RIGHT MEOW.

  

How I plan to spend my last two weeks in Boston- with updates.

OKAY OKAY OKAY OKAY. SO IT'S BASICALLY BEEN IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO UPDATE/REMEMBER TO TAKE PICTURES/FOLLOW ANY SORT OF PLAN OF WHAT TO DO FOR MY LAST WEEK IN BOSTON. SOOOO I'M ABANDONING THIS POST- BUT I DO PROMISE TO UPLOAD SOME PHOTOS AND OR VIDEOS SOON. OI. 






So this might end up being the longest blog ever- but I figured I'd give a short outline of how I plan to spend my remaining days in the city I love- and to update it with what was actually done. I promise there will be some sort of picture/video evidence of all of this at the end. Enjoy!

June 21st, Monday - Taking the C line out to Cleveland Circle to shop one last time at the cutest little Jew store. Having the "No Name" vegan dish at Grasshopper in Allston. Then enjoying a locally brewed beverage at Sunset Cantina.
** Well.. I did take the C line out to Cleveland Circle, and I did shop one last time "at the cutest little Jew store".. however, it wasn't a Jew Store and I only found a couple soap stone animals from Peru. But whatevs. Here's a picture of the store. It's a middle-aged women's dream. 

After that, my stomach was grumbling pretty bad. I decided to skip Grasshopper and go to Zaftig's, my once favorite eatery in all the lands. They have an amazing Vermont Cheddar + Apple omelet- you should really check it out. Anyway, I was worried I wouldn't be able to find anything vegan on the menu- but the fruit plate and salad I ordered was more than enough food for three people. 

The food was amazing and my good friend John was my server. I bought one of his awesome picture books because I've always loved his photography and think it's important that you support your friends. You can check it out here: http://johnsteckjr.com/

Once my belly was full I was in a much better mood. I decided to take a walk down Allston way- but saw a sign for the birthplace of JFK and decided that would be more to my liking. Of course the only day they are closed is the only day I was there, but I still took a couple touristy photos. I decided to skip Allston for the obvious reasons.  

After that short trek I wondered into an actual Jew store. This one had everything. I ended up buying a Jewish graphic novel and some Mazel Tov stickers. (stickers not shown)

I headed back towards the C line and decided to drop in to a great bookstore. I always feel bad when I don't buy anything but I don't really like to buy books anymore because of the kindle and iPad. I only found a couple cute postcards and a pin that says "One Kid".. I dunno, I just really liked it.










Oh man.. that was a really long day. I think I went home after that and smoked a fat bowl with my roomies.. Julia and I met up later for some beers in Harvard Square.. I wish I could remember where.. Anyway, she's really cute: 




riiiiiight??









June 22nd, Tuesday - Saying goodbye to Harvard Square and all the amazing book stores. Saying goodbye to my favorite store for the last five years - Hootenanny : (  And getting a Massachusetts state outline in my arm pit. Also dancing my booty at ZuZu with Julia Coolahan. 


Okay so wow this day went down completely not as planned. I think I woke up around 2 in the afternoon because I forgot to take my vitamins for like three days. Ha! Umm.. I can't really remember much from that day other than dancing my arse off with my best friends. Julia, Nora, and Jordan all came out to NU LIFE @ Zuzu's and I seriously had an amazing time. We pre-gamed at Julia's and listened to some sweet Mirah. I decided against the MA tattoo only because I hate 'heat of the moment' shit on other people, so I'd probably just start picking it off at some point- gross. Sadly, I have no photos from this day : ( 

June 23rd, Wednesday - Getting up super fucking early and taking the China Town bus to NYC. Getting Brunch at the Caravan of Dreams, Lunch at Blossom, and Dinner at Candle Cafe. Spending the rest of the day at the Museum of Natural History. Maybe I should make this a two day trip...

Ummm.. this day was absolutely fucked from jump street. I was too sweaty/sticky/drinky from the previous night's dancefest/slumber party. Oh yeah, we had a slumber party at Julia's and slept like sweet little bears allll night (well, most of us). Julia had to work that morning so Jordan and I decided to go walk around Boston. We ended up in China Town at My Thai Cafe- a vegan restaurant I've always wanted to try. It was way better than I expected (the food anyway).. but the service was friggin slow. Oh well.. Here's a pic of my "chicken" tofu, brown gravy, basmati rice, broccoli and carrots! 

Jordan wanted to show me this amazing chinese restaurant so I let her. I also made her take a picture in front of it because I'm a fucking tourist sometimes. Whatever. I love Boston. That's why I didn't go to NY. Anyway, now I'm way behind on all my plans and have to rearrange everything. I'm still planning to go to NY- but it's waiting till next week. Ah. Sorry this blog sucked. It's 2 a.m and it's hot as fuck. I might go sleep at Tufts.. K bye. 




June 24th, Thursday - Doing the Freedom Trail for the 45th time. Work.


Oh, not really. I did laundry/cleaned my room and then got called into work early because ... well, we won't go there. But I did get to train Sam- who was awesome and will totally work out! Yay! 


June 25th, Friday - Freedom trail (continued). Try to convince someone to let me borrow their longboard for one last ride. Walk around Beacon Hill because I never have. Work for a little bit at Pulse the hang out with the Pussy Unit and sleep over at Julia's. <3


June 26th, Saturday - Leave extra early for Marblehead with Pussy Unit. Lay on the beach alllll day/eat strawberries/vodka/melon.. Then work, again. Ug. 


June 27th, Sunday - Boston Sky Walk at the Top of the Prudential Tower. Faneuil Hall and North End. All before 5 o'clock.. yeahhhh riiighhttt. Then work. Seriously.. Uncool. 


June 28th, Monday - New York hopefully! *Refer to June 23rd's plans...


June 29th, Tuesday - Last night at ZuZu's :( Say goodbye to Cambridge and do the beautiful walk over the Charles on the Mass Ave. bridge


June 30th, Wednesday - MIT/Harvard Campus tours. Just because I've always wanted to. Maybe a rickshaw around Cambridge. 


July 1st, Thursday - Say goodbye to the South End. Mostly the Buttery, and Flour Cafe <3 Maybe some dinner at Gaslight. Maybe I walk out on the check, maybe I don't. One last stroll down Newbury street and a final beer at The Otherside Cafe


July 2nd, Friday - La Boum @ Milky Way


July 3rd, Saturday - Going away Disco Party : ( 


July 4th, Sunday - Red Sox game FUH FREE, and fireworks at the Esplanade (for the first time in 5 years)


July 5th - Get up early and catch a 'rideshare' to P-town. The greatest place on earth. And hopefully sleeping/drinking on the beach allllll day. 


July 6th - Fly